About Suzanne Schlosberg

1001 Nights Without Sex And Other Amazing Feats Of Endurance

© Kevin Kubota

Suzanne Schlosberg's writing career began her freshman year in college, when she was assigned to cover a pre-season NBA game and found herself in a locker room interviewing a dozen tall, muscular, naked Boston Celtics. That assignment spawned not one but two careers for Suzanne, who today earns her living as both a humorist and a health writer.

Suzanne is the author of The Curse of the Singles Table: A True Story of 1001 Nights without Sex. The book — translated into 11 languages, including Dutch, Chinese and Serbian — chronicles "the Streak," her epic dry spell that lasted longer than the Kennedy administration. It was the Streak that prompted friends to dub Suzanne the "Cal Ripken of celibacy."

The Streak isn't the only feat of endurance Suzanne has managed to parlay into a book deal. Shortly after her epic dry spell ended, Suzanne married her lovable, redheaded Streakbreaker, Paul Spencer, and began a long and elusive quest to get knocked up. After some 750 days, she hadn't managed to deliver a baby, but she did deliver The Essential Fertility Log to her publisher. Fortunately, Suzanne was not slated to become the "Cal Ripken of infertility." A week after the log went to press, Suzanne finally got pregnant, thanks to her fancy fertility doctor. She gave birth to fraternal twins, Toby and Ian Spencer, on 7-7-07.

For further evidence of Suzanne's stamina and fortitude, read "Double Trouble," a chronicle of her adventures in nursing her lactationally challenged boys. The essay will appear in the upcoming anthology Unbuttoned: Women Tell the Truth About the Pleasures and Politics of Breastfeeding. The experience prompted Suzanne to collaborate with fellow twins mom Sarah Bowen Shea on The Essential Breastfeeding Log.

Also on the fortitude front: Check out Sand in My Bra: Funny Women Write from the Road. The anthology features a chronicle of her record-setting victory in the Great American Sack Race, a competition that required Suzanne to run five miles carrying a 50-pound sack of chicken feed. She has no intention of defending her title.

Suzanne's most unlikely display of endurance and survival was, perhaps, the six months she spent roaming the world as a freelance volunteer, all in an attempt to do the implausible, if not impossible, for someone with no practical skills: make herself useful. Her misadventures are chronicled at www.missionimplausible.com.

It's safe to say that Suzanne has had more success informing exercisers about the latest ways to train their abs. Suzanne is the author of The Ultimate Workout Log, the classic training diary, and The Ultimate Diet Log, a new collaboration with Cynthia Sass, MA, RD, creator of the New York Times bestseller Flat Belly Diet!

She is also and coauthor, with Liz Neporent, of the bestselling Fitness for Dummies and Weight Training for Dummies. The latest from Liz and Suzanne: The Active Woman's Pregnancy Log.

Though Suzanne's articles have appeared in the country's top health and fitness magazines, including Shape, Health and Fitness, these days Suzanne writes less about cellulite and more about prenatal hemorrhoids, binky addictions and toddler tantrums for magazines such as Fit Pregnancy, Parents and Parenting. 

Suzanne is an avid collector of books about the O.J. Simpson trial, with 44 titles to date — yes, including If I Did It, which she read in its entirety. Before moving to Bend, Oregon, Suzanne was a totally average bike racer who competed for Velo Club La Grange Westwood. She is now a totally below-average Nordic skier who only wishes she could achieve mediocrity.

The Streakbreaker And Webmaster

Paul Spencer. Most men in their right minds would eventually head for the nearest exit after learning their new girlfriend: 1.) had racked up a streak of 1,000+ days of unintentional celibacy, 2.) was writing a tell-all book about the extremes she went to in order to end that streak, and 3.) was planning to put him in this book. So obviously it says a lot about Paul that he stuck around. Perhaps it says even more that he actually married Suzanne.

Not that Paul hasn't benefited from joining her family, as he delineated in his "Top Ten Advantages to Marrying a Schlosberg," probably the first PowerPoint presentation ever to be shown at a wedding reception. Among the advantages on his list: "#8: Family thinks I am a genius for having the know-how to change a light bulb"; and "#7: Minimal pressure to get a job since nobody else in the family has one."

Though Paul confesses to being nervous about how he would be portrayed in The Curse of the Singles Table, he decided "it didn't turn out as embarrassing as I had expected." Suzanne now likens her husband to the "normal" one on The Munsters. A website designer and computer fix-it guy professionally known as Paul The Computer Guy, he is the technological wizard responsible for this site.

Paul is also officially in charge of bathing his children, having told Suzanne, "You can't even wipe the kitchen counter clean. You think I'm going to trust you with the boys' bottoms?" 

The Supporting Cast: The Schlosberg Family

They're loud. They're loopy. Their mantra is "the brisket was undercooked." Suzanne is related to every single one of them, but don't hold that against her. Here are the key players, all of whom you can read more about in The Curse of the Singles Table.

Grandma Honey. At 86, she purchased her first iMac; at 91, she published her first book, Waddle and Jumbo: A Tale of Two Ducks. Now 93, Grandma Honey cranks out stories for her weekly nonfiction class. Recent topics: why today's toothbrush packaging is "so darned hard to open" and "Why don't pants have pockets anymore?" You can read these stories on Grandma's own website, gmahoneyk.com. Known for speaking her mind, Grandma Honey called Suzanne on her 31st birthday and said, "I hope you get married while I'm still alive." Update: Grandma Honey passed away, shortly after celebrating her 69th wedding anniversary with Grandpa Julius.

Grandpa Julius. At age 93, Grandpa Julius enjoys discussing the NASDAQ, the Los Angeles Lakers and the dosages of his laxatives, diuretics and glaucoma medications. He has never missed an opportunity to belittle a busboy or parking attendant ("he don't know his ass from his elbow"), dispense unsolicited advice ("nothing's so bad that it couldn't be worse"), or offer snap assessments to his last single granddaughter ("You know, 31 is older than 30"). Update: Grandpa Julius passed away four months after Grandma Honey's death, but not before complaining that his soup was too cold.

Grandma Ruth. She's gone now, but impossible to forget. At 85, she was cruising L.A.'s freeways in her Oldsmobile, delivering documents as a law-firm messenger. At 89, she gave up driving and smoking, allowing more time for her primary hobbies: playing Scrabble and criticizing her grandchildren. Grandma Ruth adored blackjack and the Sizzler's blue Jello but disapproved of most everything else, especially exercise, politics, credit cards, four-door sedans and Israeli accents.

Judy Schlosberg. Suzanne's mother has passed along her kitchen know-how and sense of style to her elder daughter, which means Suzanne can neither cook nor properly dress herself without her father's assistance. Judy may not be able to whip up a souffle or know the difference between Perry Ellis and Perry Como, but she is the world's most organized human being and a devoted wife, mother and grandmother, who always comes equipped for babysitting duty with age-appropriate Hebrew songsheets.

Carl Schlosberg. A fine art dealer and connoisseur of flowers and rare antiques, Suzanne's father thinks on a grand scale but also is attentive to the smallest details. He is an optimist, a gambler and, above all, a man who never lets a little work get in the way of a vodka in the garden. Partial to Panama hats, wing-tip shoes and herringbone blazers, Carl often gets upgraded to First Class when he travels simply because he looks the part. Carl was the first, and only, visitor to take his infant grandchildren on art-appreciation tours of the house.

Jennifer Schlosberg Lehr. Suzanne's younger sister has more careers than most people have dress shoes. In addition to being a mom to Jules and Hudson, she's an interior designer and a graphic designer who specializes in custom coffee-table books. She also writes an advice column about sex and relationships for www.fearlessvoices.com and is the author of the provocative memoir, Ill-Equipped for a Life of Sex. According to the jacket, the book chronicles Jennifer's "quest to find true love and steamy sex — all in the same package." Two sisters, two memoirs about sex. Read the books, and you'll see the comparisons end there.

John Lehr. Jennifer's husband is probably the only actor in L.A. to have secured a callback while undergoing a ritual circumcision for his conversion to Judaism. He explained it all in his brilliant one-man stage show, A Series of Comedic Lectures. John is currently starring as Leslie Pool (pictured) in "10 Items or Less," a half-hour improvisational comedy series on TBS. John plays Leslie Pool, a grocery store manager who is even funnier and more annoying than Larry David in "Curb Your Enthusiasm." You may - or may not - recognize John as the ubiquitous Geico Caveman.

The Latest Additions: The Spencer Twins at 18 Months

Ian Levi Spencer. At 18 months, Ian Levi Spencer is not unlike Sawyer on ABC's "Lost": fearless, devious, lean and muscular, a free spirit, and perpetually in need of a haircut (he's had five). Ian - who typically sports a fresh bruise or gash on his forehead - enjoys swiping Toby's toys, demolishing Toby's block towers, whacking Toby on the head and running around the house shrieking "Ba! Ba! Ba!" while clutching two balls. In quieter moments, Ian loves to dance, pet dogs and bunny rabbits and snuggle with his dad. Possible future careers: demolition specialist, loan shark, $600/hour criminal-defense attorney. Possible future athletic endeavors: motocross, snowboardcross, ice hockey, Australian Rules football.

Toby Russell Spencer. If Ian is Sawyer, Toby is Hurley: soft and round, smiley and laid back, a loyal follower, eternally in pursuit of his next meal, and in possession of an operative moral compass, though prone to the periodic temper tantrum. Toby roams around like Frankenstein, arms stiff and extended, attempting to scam hugs from friends and strangers alike. Preferring to keep his complexion blemish-free, Toby steers clear of big slides, steep cliffs and, when possible, his brother. Toby's passions include answering the telephone, sweeping the floor, dusting the furniture, and tormenting his mother by refusing let go of her pants leg. Possible future careers: middle-school science teacher, cleaning supervisor, quality-control inspector. Possible future athletic endeavors: golf, horseshoes, bowling.