The Celibacy Chronicles

Suzanne Invites You To Spill About Your Own Streak!

Read the submissions

"Oh my god, you're living MY LIFE!"

"You think your streak was long? You have NO FREAKIN' IDEA."

"Help — I think I've requalified as a virgin! How can I end my streak?"

These are just a few of the comments I've gotten as I've been traveling around the country promoting Curse — and telling people about my mind-boggling 1,358 days without sex. (That's three years, eight months and 23 days, in case you're wondering, which I suspect you are.)

It seems that Curse has struck a nerve!

And I must admit I have felt some measure of relief that I'm not the only one out there who has endured a marathon dry spell. Then it dawned on me ... Why not spread this good cheer around? So here's a place where you can post your own tales to share with others in the same boat. How long did your longest dry spell last? How did it end? Or is it still going on? What's your best advice for others in the midst of an epic streak?

Send me an e-mail, and I'll post excerpts here, on the Celibacy Chronicles. Include the city where you live. But don't worry: you can remain anonymous to the public.

Celibacy Chronicles Submissions

From London, England:

I agree wholehartedly with your need to count the days — quantifying your misery is indeed important. (For me it has been 7+ years.) However, on the TV or radio (or in the papers) numbers are rarely presented with out reference so, for added anguish I like to calculate ratios or percentages, like "19.5% of my total life" or "34.8% of my sexually active life." This approch also allows you the joy of calculating the answer to questions like, "On what day will it be exactly 20% of my adult life?" which can add significance to what would otherwise be "just another day with out sex."

From Seattle, Washington:

My last romp was April 1993. I'm 49 and this is the as-ton-ish-ment of my life. Plenty of sex with lots of lovers before then . . . poof! My vagina expired. And like you, not fat or ugly, stupid or unclean, homeless or stoned. A normal person who cannot find a peck on the cheek let alone a relationship. The Holy Grail must be easier to find.

But then I live in Seattle where people interpret being friendly as stalking.

I have kept track of every nutcase I've met since 1994. More than 60 men with No Second Dates! None! Zip! Zero! I roared with parts of your book, not because it was screamingly funny, which it was, but because I didn't write it first.

The funny thing is, I rarely miss sex. That's what's scary.

From Orlando, Florida:

My streak ended at 1,410 days. Although it is not my only streak, it is my longest. (My previous streak was 22 months without being sexually involved with someone.) I was keeping count of the years, but totaled up the exact days when I received your book.

I made the choice not to get sexually involved with someone until I knew I had strong feelings for them. I have friends who became sexually active around the same age I did and their numbers surpass mine by a landslide. (One of my friends has had 87 lovers in 7 years). I made this choice not because I don't enjoy sex, or I am an old-school maid. I made this choice because I feel that sex is special. I don't believe is something I want to share with just anyone.

Unfortunately, though my streak ended recently, I did not have a happy ending. I slept with a man I have been totally in love with, and dated on and off (no sex though) for the last six years, and it ended bitterly. So, needless to say, I may be on my the way to having another streak. (I hope not, lol).

I guess I just want to say Thank you for writing this book. Some of the guys I work with laugh when I tell them of my streak. They say things like "You're a girl, you can get it any time you want." or make preverted offers to end my streak. It is not that I can't have sex, it's that I don't want to unless it is going to be special. I enjoy having that power to make the choice and say "No."

From Philadelphia, Pennsylvania:

After reading your book (which I loved by the way) I just knew that I had to share my "streak story" with you. At first I'd say that my streak was self-imposed. I had a horrible break-up with a boyfriend who cheated on me and he left me wanting absolutely nothing to do with men. That was the case for the first year. Now you may want to ask . . . what was the deal with the other three? Well I'm guessing it was just bad luck or bad timing. There were seriously no men around that I would even consider being with. I have the unfortunate stigma attached to me that I need to be in a relationship in order for the sex to happen so therein lay the problem. My other girlfriends and I started the BAV club (aka Born Again Virgin club) as a joke but the fact that we were members was certainly not a joke. After the year 2002 I just pretty much resigned to the fact that I wouldn't find anyone by going out to bars and clubs every weekend. I knew that that wasn't going to be the place that I found my Mr. Right. I decided to put my own life in order like you did. I bought my own house and for the past year I have been making it my home. My life was coming together without a man in it. A funny thing happened though back in May of this year . . . my streak ended after 1636 days. He was a friend for the better part of two years and although I had a bit of a thing for him I never knew being with him was an option. Turns out it was! On May 18,2003 my streak ended and I was never more thrilled to give up my crown of Queen BAV. If 4 years of celibacy is what it took for me to find happiness with this guy then I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

Thanks for writing such a great and inspiring book. I've sent it to friends who are in the same predicament that we were in. Apparently there are alot of women out there who have done it at some point and time in their lives.

From Kansas City, Kansas:

First, let me tell you about the last time I had sex, which was April 17, 2002. My boyfriend of 18 months — let's call him Jerome (because that's his real name) — was transferred to Paris for three months for his job, and we kept up with lots of emails and phone calls (including a little phone sex, I'm almost too embarrassed to admit). Two months into it, I made plans to join him for my one week of vacation for the year (I'd just started a new job), and I flew over with visions of steamy sex in the world's most romantic city. It was even "April in Paris." Well, I got the steamy sex all right, then the next morning Jerome gave me the boot! Can you believe it? He said he "didn't want to break up with me long distance," so he thought he was being more "sensitive" to have one last night together. I was too flabbergasted to even ask him, "Then why was I the one who had to pay for the plane ticket?" I had non-refundable tickets, so I had to stay in Paris, and I ended up at a youth hostel for 25 bucks a night — all I could afford — and I'm 33 years old. Looking back, I wish I'd had the guts to try to throw Jerome out of his apartment for that week, but I just packed up and left that morning. Anyway, I half-heartedly "did" Paris after Jerome had "done" me, but as you can imagine, it was the worst vacation of my life.

For several months after that, I think I was suffering from sexually induced Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome because sex was just about the last thing on my mind. Then it became the only thing on my mind! Now I think it's the only thing that can truly purge Jerome from my system. (I'm still so mad at myself that I didn't at least kick him in the nuts. Is that horrible of me to say?) With no prospects in sight, earlier this year, I propositioned my brother-in-law's best friend at a party, and we headed upstairs to the condo's rooftop deck. But he turned out to be a lot drunker than I thought, and he actually passed out on top of me. I rolled him off and left him there to sleep it off. I don't think he even remembers it happened — thank God. Seeing him sober now, I realize I was a lot drunker than I thought, too! A few weeks ago, a buddy at work and I were commiserating about our lack of sex, and he suggested we could "service" each other. (He actually used that word. How quaint!) I've known him for years and adore him, but he's just not my type, if you know what I mean, and as sex-crazed as I am, I still managed to turn him down (as politely as I could, of course). Honestly, if I hadn't read about all your sexual disasters with your so-called "friendly sex," I'm not sure I would have known how bone-headed (no pun intended) it would have been — so thank you, Suzanne! I've been resisting the Internet for a couple of years now, relying on setups and guys I meet in my wine-tasting club and swim club, but you've finally given me the courage to try Match.com. I just signed on a couple days ago, and I'm already trying out your "really important rules for Internet dating." Thanks again, Suzanne!!

By the way, I can't help but remember the last day I had sex, since my arrival date in Paris is etched in my memory, but I absolutely refuse to tally up the days I've gone without sex. Too depressing!!!

From Minneapolis, Minnesota:

Can I submit to the Celibacy Chronicles if I'm married? Let me tell you, I've got everyone beat. My wife and I haven't had sex since our younger son was conceived — and he's now in the sixth grade! I have no idea how many days that is, and I don't want to know . . .

From Dallas, Texas:

OK, I have a good story about ending a celibacy streak! This was back in the late 1970s, when celibacy was definitely not cool. I don't know how long I'd actually been celibate — I never counted the days — but it was long enough for my decidedly uncelibate best girlfriend to warn me that "it's gonna dry up if you don't use it." She thought that was very funny. I was less amused.

But then came the night when I finally had a real live guy in my house (well, a lawyer, anyway). When it became clear the evening's entertainment would involve nudity, I excused myself and slipped off to the bathroom to slip in my diaphragm. It wasn't the "it" my friend was talking about, but I opened my plastic diaphragm case to find the thing had dried up from neglect, shriveled right up into what looked like a rubber potato chip.

There, in the bathroom, all alone, I laughed and laughed. If I'd known this guy better, I might have shown it to him and given him a laugh too. (Or maybe it would have just grossed him out. Guys are so funny about girl accoutrements.) Instead, I tossed the defunct diaphragm in the trash and proceeded to have the only unprotected sex of my single life. What could I do? I didn't know when I might have another chance. Fortunately I lived to tell the tale, and had no pitter-patter of little baby lawyer feet nine months later.

From Takoma Park, Maryland:

Alas, my streak is still ongoing. The last time I had sex, Clinton was still President (late July 2000). The economy isn't the only thing experiencing a recession! Like you, I battled with myself (Am I too picky/are my standards too high?) to see what was causing the drought. Now that I'm almost four years in, I've accepted it and moved on with my life. I love to travel and don't allow being single to stop me from boarding the plane.

I guess my best advice to others in this situation is kinda simple . . . stay positive, keep living your life and use the time to mentally "clean house" and build up your self-esteem and self-respect. The person deemed worthy of breaking the Streak will appear when it's time.

Thanks so much for writing this book. It made me laugh and think more about what I want out of my relationships.

From Chicago, Illinois:

Your counting the days got me to calculate exactly how long has it been for me . . . So, I sat down and did a little math. I am not happy or proud to tell you that I have your record beat by a LOOOONG shot . . . I was shocked to find that my own personal record is almost double your record . . . to my approximation, it has been 2,550 days. (I had to do the math three times to make sure it was right.) Where did all the time go? — I realized that during this hiatus:

• My best friend conceived a child, gave birth, and the child is now going to kindergarten in the fall. Other friends have also had children who are now walking, talking functional people.

• I almost put 125,000 (collectively) on the three cars I have owned since the streak started.

• I've done 1,092 loads of laundry.

• And, the worst one of all: I've spent 17,885 hours sleeping in my bed — all by myself (let's not count when I had to bunk in with Cousin Pat when we went on a trip together).

Like your efforts to reshape the direction of your life, I did the same thing, hoping it might lead to finding the right guy. I moved to Bogota, Colombia for a year, moved back, quit teaching grade school in the little town I lived in, moved to Chicago, started a business, then found another great career. I traveled all around the world, stepped out of the comfort zone, you name it. I have an active social life, and lots of friends, but I never seemed to meet a guy with whom I had a spark. I still haven't, but I haven't given up hope for it either. I am going to keep trying, because surely, the law of averages is bound to catch up with me sometime. (Even a blind squirrel can find a nut if he tries enough)

One thing I have finally come to realize is that it isn't me that is the problem . . . There really isn't a problem, it's just that the right fit hasn't come along. I also believe that things come to people when they are ready for them. My life would not be the same if I had found the right guy and married at 25. Who is to say it would be better or worse? I'll never know, but what I am sure of, is I wouldn't trade the journey I have had for anything else. It's made me who I am, and when I do find the right guy, I will be all the better person for my experiences both good and bad.

The best line in your book that I will take away with me and keep is on page 261 "Life really is a combination of what you make happen and what happens to you. You just have to be ready." How true that is. I think that if I go forward with that perspective, it will help immensely. Thanks for writing such a funny, refreshing, honest, and entertaining book.